Pleased to Serve You?
by MetaDash
Summary: The New Shinigami Woman's Association hosts a maid cafe, complete with sweet foods and sweet sights. But when you have cheeky customers and improper servers, things are bound to get a little haywire. Crack-ish. One-shot. Takes place before NSWA but reading it is not required.


**Pleased to Serve You?**

It was that time of year again.

For the social club known as the NSWA, President Yachiru Kusajishi would always come up with ways to make money for events and put on a show for those around her collection of 20+ members. Some rolled with her plans, others had a more-

"I'm not wearing this."

"Aww come on, Pigtails!"

-resistant reaction. Today was the day her latest venue would begin, and everyone had to report in! Vice-Captain Hiyori Sarugaki of the 12th was known for her disruptive temper.

"Aww come on, nothing, why do we ALL have to dress like this?!"

Yachiru smiled. "It's the theme of the café, remember? It's really popular in the Living World, so it'll be a hit!"

Somehow she got matching maid costumes for everyone. The other members were setting up for their venue, and some – like Nemu Kusamiya or Rangiku Matsumoto – had already donned their outfits.

"Ugh!" Hiyori waved her metallic arms around. "What maid looks like a robot?"

"We can cover that up with some bandages if you want."

"President, shall we go over decorum?" Retsu Unohana – always the peacekeeper of the club – asked. It was her way of convincing people that Hiyori was even part of this.

"Sure, Re-chan! Girls! Hup hup! Stand at attention!"

A few blank stares, but Retsu's patented smile made everyone organize neatly in front of Yachiru. She wheeled in a blackboard, complete with some rabbit drawings Rukia made.

"We open in thirty minutes, and it's important we remember the rules! The NSWA has to work together on this."

She tapped the first drawing: a rabbit was curtsying.

"Always be polite to the customers! Anyone who curses or yells will be hit with a penalty!"

To demonstrate, Nemu lightly swatted the air with a rolled up newspaper. Nanao Ise sprayed the air with a water bottle.

"Rule #2! Take the orders right! We've got tea and all kinds of sweets to serve, so make sure you know what's what!"

Momo and Yuzu did the baking.

"Rule #3-" Yachiru tapped the rabbit sitting on another's lap. "-the customer is always right! People like cute maids doing cute things."

To her non-existent surprise, Hiyori noted that Apache, Mila Rose, Tatsuki, Candice, Soi and Kukaku shared a similar look of pain.

"And rule #4! No one leaves until the day is done, girls! Let's rake in the dough!"

"Also…." Retsu closed her eyes and smiled at the line. "it's probably not a good idea to take the costume off, okay?"

"Y-Yes, Captain…." everyone muttered.

* * *

"Hey Ichigo! Want to check out the maid café?"

The orange-haired boy from Karakura Town had to do a double take when Renji suggested the idea so casually. "The what?"

"Yeah! Some idea that Yachiru came up to make money. Could be fun!"

"I'm not really interested in something like that," he replied, going back to lounging under a shady tree. Of course, this only made his friend smirk.

"Ohhh….I guess you don't want to see Inoue in a cute maid costume?"

Ichigo turned red, ever so slightly. "W-Well…..n-not when Rukia and Tatsuki will just make fun of me for it."

"They're part of it too!" Renji grinned.

"…maybe just a peek….."

XXXXXX

"WHAT THE HELL!"

the two were the last ones on a very _very_ long line composed of giggling and excited male Shinigami, including Marechiyo Omaeda, Shinji Hirako, Ikkaku Madarame, and of course-

"Hey Kurosaki-san! Want backcuts?"

"Urahara?!" Ichigo spluttered. "Why are you on this line?!"

"Is that really a question you're going with? It's _me_! C'mon, I got the camera all ready to go!"

* * *

"Welcome to the Meido Dream Café! How many do we have today?"

A few NSWA members passing by wanted to die of shock, including Rukia – Byakuya Kuchiki was next on line, complete with his ever neutral expression.

"Just one. I'd like a seat by the window, if that's acceptable."

"You got it, Byakushi!" Yachiru pointed her pencil. "Right over there! Isa-chan will be your server."

Sure enough, Isane Kotetsu was shaking like a leaf when she stepped over to Byakuya's table. The costume was a little small for her tall frame, and as a result, a lot of her leg area was exposed. "G-Good day, C-Captain K-Kuchiki…"

"…."

"Is…..s-something wrong?"

Byakuya nodded. "I believe it is customary for servers to introduce themselves."

"What?! But you know me!"

"Indeed I do, but only as a Shinigami and member of the 4th."

"O-Okay….I'm Isane~!" she forced out with a peppy smile. "What can I get for you today?"

"Hmmm….." he pursued the pink, frilly menu, made by Nanao and Yachiru. Isane's jaw dropped, he seemed to be the ONLY customer acting normal in this.

"Could I have some chai tea? No sugar or milk, please."

XXXXXX

"Ooops! I dropped my fork! Could you pick it up?"

The speedy captain of the 2nd, Soi Fon, was faced with a different problem. Ikkaku was deliberately knocking his utensils to the floor so she could bend down to get it.

"Anything….you want…." she hissed out, knowing he was on the verge of laughing when she bent down for the third time. All of the members had to wear matching white panties.

"Great! Could I get some cookies?"

"What kind?" she asked, handing the fork back to him. He just stared at it.

"Nah, Captain, you're supposed to clean it."

"….." her glare was intense, but she obeyed.

XXXX

The customer was always right, but to what logical ends? Harribel and Rangiku both had to sit next to Omaeda while he acted like the big shot he was. Why *not* make the best of a situation he couldn't have again?

"Say….it's getting a little hot in here. I wonder if-"

"if it's you or us?" Rangiku finished, not pleased at all. "Just so you know, if you do any touching, I get to sock your face."

"Hey! I just want to relax with some cute girls, okay!" he threw a few stacks of bills down. "And you guys want to make money for the café. Business goes both ways!"

"Is there anything you want us to do…?" Harribel wondered out loud. Both women were showing as much cleavage as their regular uniforms, earning the envy of half of the room.

Omaeda rubbed his hands together.

"Uh uh, you can't make us kiss each other."

"How about-"

"-or hug each other!"

"Ha! I checked the fine print, Matsumoto, and that _is_ allowed! But I won't bore you guys. I just want to enjoy my sweets in the company of you fine thangs."

"I do not know what a _thang_ is, but I am extremely displeased by its usage," said the ex-Tercera calmly. "What is your desire?"

Omaeda pointed to the sign.

"….master?"

Both women recoiled (Rangiku much more so) when he put up his feet and removed his sandals, beckoning for the buxom beauties to message his (dirty) feet.

XXXXX

Hiyori mentally cursed up a storm when her customer turned out to be Shinji.

"Hey, pipsqueak! Look at you, so adorable!"

"Watch it, Shinji. I'm allowed to kick you out if you try anything stupid."

"Gee, maids aren't supposed to talk all rough," he replied, scoffing. "I want you to like more a loyal servant, Meido-chan."

"Say _maid_ one more time and I'll punch your nose." A passing Nemu smacked her with the newspaper. "Ow!"

Shinji leaned back. This was going to be fun. "Hiyori, Hiyori….you're in an unique position. Not many maids can be cute AND have those classic pigtails. Now I've prepared some dialogue for you to read."

"What?!" she was handed a stack of cards.

"Read those out and I'll give you a nice bonus."

Hiyori looked down and wanted to puke. "No." The first sentence alone!

A passing Nanao sprayed her back.

"C'mon, Hiyori. Go get me a slice of apple pie and come back saying the first card."

 _I'm going to break that chair over his head_. She went over to the serving station – ignoring Yachiru throwing someone out for slapping Mila Rose on her butt too many times – and got the slice. When she got back….she sucked up her pride, hard.

 _"Here you go, desu! A slice of apple pie for master, desu!"_

If there was one thing Shinji knew Hiyori hated, it was that particular verbal tick. Her smile reeked of _I'm-going-to-get-you-for-this_ , and it only got worse when he held out the bite for her to eat.

"Open up, Hiyori!"

"Aaaaaaah…." she forced it in, at least thankful Yuzu knew how to bake.

"Now, the next few sentences…?"

Shinji looked very pleased with himself. She was shaking, and it looked like she was about to maul him with her Vizard mask, but while chewing, she very peppily said: "mmmm! thank you, master! it tastes so good!"

"Now sit on my lap."

Hiyori shook her head no, while still smiling and chewing.

"Hiyori~ Come on~"

Her hand reached for the chair, but before she could pick it up to crash to down on his head, her eyes caught Retsu's smile. And as tough as she was, no one was a match for the healer captain.

"Good girl!"

So she did. Shinji, on the other hand, flashed a thumbs up to Urahara when the camera flash went off. To add to Hiyori's humiliation, she felt something….

"Is….is this my tip?" she asked, teeth grinding.

"Well, it's A tip," replied Shinji rather cheekily.

XXXXX

For Shunsui, seeing his lovely lovely Nanao-chan in a cute maid outfit was enough to make his heart a flutter. Nanao didn't appreciate his cooes and stares.

"You're making me nervous in this, Captain, can you please order something?"

"Am I dreaming, Nanao-chan~?"

"No, you're not."

"But I've had this dream before," he replied. Nanao's face was getting redder by the second, but she steeled her nerves when Yachiru waved at her.

"Good to hear. Now, your order….?"

"I want you to order _me_ around."

"What?!" then, in a lower voice: "I do that normally, you know."

"But that's _work_." Shunsui tipped his hat. "There's nothing more alluring than a cute maid telling someone what to do. Yep, pout just like that!"

"M-Maybe a different waitress can-"

"Nope! I'll do anything your heart desires, Nanao-tan~"

 _"Then order something, please."_

XXXXXX

Grimmjow's whistles and cat calls were visibly making some of the maids annoyed, not that it bothered him. He was eying each (well-proportioned) one like a panther steaking out his hunt. He crossed his fingers for that Catnipp girl to serve him.

"Hello, Grimmjow-san. My name is Ururuin."

Who had accentuated her pigtails to be more "moe", according to Yachiru. For the ex-Sexta, this was the worst choice.

"Great. How about you scoot along so I can appreciate the scenery?" he asked, looking past her to stare at Apache's ass.

"But I'm your server today," she said. Ururu handed him a menu. "Would like you to start off with a drink?"

"Uhh….beer, I guess."

"It's noon, master. And we serve tea and coffee, along with other non-alcoholic beverages."

"Then splash some booze into it, I don't care. I'm trying to see the girls."

"Oh…." Ururu's hair drooped. "I understand. I'm not moe enough for you…."

"What? Oh come on, don't be all mopey. You maids are supposed to be happy, right? It's killing the vibe."

"Would like for me to sit on your lap?"

"Aaaaand now you've killed something else," Grimmjow said in visible disgust.

XXXXX

"Our specials today are! Apple pie, carrot cake, some bean paste cookies-"

Head Captain Jushiro Ukitake raised an eyebrow. "Did you make that, Orihime?"

"Oh yes!" the healer, unlike some of the others, loved this job! "I'll get you some, if you want!"

"Um, n-no thank you, I'll take some pie and a steaming cup of lemon tea."

"Are you SURE you don't want the bean paste cookies?"

"Yes."

"Double sure?"

 _"Yes."_

"…super mega ultra deluxe sure?"

XXXXXXX

Ichigo was still staring at his girlfriend from afar when it was his turn to be seated. But when he did, his server pinched his ear. "Ow!"

"Can't control yourself, huh?"

He pulled away. "You're serving me, Rukia? How did you guys even set this up?"

"Don't ask!" Rukia crossed her arms. "I wanted a Chappy café. Anyway, can I get you something?"

"Uh….." Ichigo looked from the menu to Rukia's outfit, and he couldn't hide his teasing smirk. "Well, that's not very maid-like of you, Rukia? Don't you girls call everyone master?"

"Don't you dare-"

"Alright, alright. Just get me some water."

"…..seriously? This is a CAFÉ, Ichigo. C-A-F-E. What café serves _water?"_

"I don't want any tea."

"Coffee then!"

"I don't want that either."

Rukia narrowed her eyes. "What _do_ you want? To stare at Orihime all day?"

"N-No! Renji was the one that dragged me here and….." he trailed off. And within five seconds, he buried his face into his hands.

"What's wrong?" Rukia turned around….

XXXXX

"D-Dad, please stop…."

….where Isshin was enthralled with the cuteness of his youngest daughter in a meido outfit. "I'm sorry, Yuzu, but you're just so cute! Like, how is it possible?"

"I d-don't know…." Yuzu cleared her throat. "What would you like?"

"A kiss for your daddy~"

"NOPE." Karin smacked him with a tray. "We're not five anymore, you creepy old goat." Yachiru sprayed the whole bottle at her, but for her that was worth it.

XXXXXX

For their cousin, this was not worth it.

"Urahara, I swear, to god-"

"Nuh uh!" he snapped more pictures. "Meidos don't curse, Kukaku-chan. Just look pretty while I take these, okay~"

The Shiba woman was against this plan from the beginning, doubly so when she knew for a fact Kisuke Urahara would come to it. Not helping was the bright red bow Yachiru put in her hair to replace the usual bandage.

"Order something or I'll rip your teeth out!"

This time Yachiru threw a water balloon at her.

 _"please,"_ she forced herself to smile sweetly. For Ganju, who was sitting nearby with Liltotto as his server, it was understandably creepy.

"Fine. A cup of your finest tea," Kisuke said. Then he stuffed a few bills into her top.

"What the-?!"

"For the little present, there. I knew you didn't wear a bra!" The water balloon had soaked more than just her hair.

"You try stuffing these things" – Kukaku motioned to her large breasts – "in this tight outfit!"

 **SNAP**

"URAHARA!"

XXXXXX

Yoruichi was not surprised her beau was snapping pictures. "Well, as long as he's not looking up their skirts…" she turned to her customer. "So what will it be, Ichimaru?"

Gin was _also_ taking pictures.

"Do you want me to beat you up after we close?"

"Save it for the cameras, Yoru-chan."

XXXXXX

One thing the maids were allowed to use (at customers' request) was to put on animal ears to look extra cute. Chad was eying them when he was seated.

"Ah, Sado-kun. Do you want me to play dress up?" Retsu asked, sweetly.

"…"

"It's no trouble. I'm partial to the fox ears myself."

"...no."

"No? I understand, I'll just take your order."

"No…." Chad pointed to the cat ears. "-those are cuter."

XXXXX

"You gonna order, Captain?"

Toshiro Hitsugaya only wanted to visit the café to support Momo, but he wasn't lucky enough to get her as his server. "Could you not keep popping that?"

Candice blew another bubble of her gum. "This gum is the only thing that's make me tolerate this. So what can I you get you?"

"Um….." **POP** "Okay, that's getting really annoying. Please spit it out."

"No."

"The customer is always right."

"You can't be _right_ about an order, Shorty."

Toshiro growled. "A maid isn't supposed to insult their customer."

"Who's insulting? It's like calling me tall. Or pretty! You can do that too."

"You're not very humble, are you?" he looked down at the menu. **POP** "Catnipp! Spit the damn gum out, and that's an order!"

And she did, right in his hair.

"What's with the death glare?" Candice scoffed. "You didn't tell me _where_ to spit it out."

XXXXX

Renji sat back and enjoyed the sight of Ichigo arguing with Rukia. And just in time, his tea and cookies arrived. His maid was surprisingly competent when it came to being a server.

"Thanks, McAllon!"

"You're welcome, master!" she bowed. "Do you want some sugar for your tea?"

"Two scoops should be good."

Meninas nodded and sprinkled in two spoons worth, but when Renji took a sip, his lip curled up and his nose scrunched up.

"Did I put in too much?"

"This is s-salt, McAllon."

"Ohhhh! They look the same."

 _"Why does the table have sugar AND salt?!"_

XXXXX

For the hard to read types. Lisa had the appropriate reaction when Kensei actually sprinkled some in his cup.

"Seriously? Who takes black coffee with salt, _and_ asks for saltines instead of cake?"

"I hate sweets," he said bluntly.

XXXXX

Apache _hated_ looking cute, and her customer was not helping her growing frustration. When she placed his plate down, he scoffed and moved it away.

"Wrong again. I said crepes."

"We don't serve creepy things!"

Yumichika rolled his eyes. "It's pronounced cray-pes. Look, it's that tray right over there. See? Hinamori's taking some."

"Oh…" she placed down the drink from the tray but Yumichika pushed it back as well.

"I don't drink my tea with milk."

"You ordered it with milk!"

"I said an espresso."

"Esp….what? We serve tea and coffee here!"

The fifth seat pointed to the third item on the beverage list. "Maybe you should pay better attention next time, Apache. Now, to recount: I want an espresso, double shot, low-fat soy milk, a dash of whipped cream, and some sprinkles scattered on there. Understand?"

"…how about I get you water and _not_ spit in it?"

She earned a water balloon for that one.

* * *

When it was closing time, Yachiru brought the group around to show them their profits. Everyone was exhausted, but they looked pleased at their returns.

"Great job, girls! We made a LOT of money today!"

The obligatory cheering commenced.

"HEY! I'm still here!"

The NSWA turned: Kenpachi was sitting alone. He looked a little annoyed that he wasn't getting the speediest service.

"Uh oh! Ken-chan! Who was his server?"

"Not me," replied Momo. "I had Iba-san."

"I had Ishida," Sun-Sun said.

"Okay, raise your hands if you had him."

Nobody did.

"Seriously?!" Kenpachi couldn't believe his eye. "Yachiru, you were running around spraying and throwing water balloons at people that you didn't take MY order!"

"Ohhhhhh! I'm so sorry!" she ran over. "We've still got some food, if you want!"

"Hang on, hang on." he scanned the menu. "Let me decide."

The girls stood there in silence, but Kenpachi Zaraki was actually unsure of what to get. Yachiru caught their looks.

"Girls, we're a team! No one leaves until we serve everyone! Ken-chan's allowed to take as much time as he wants!"

"Hmm…." he scratched the back of his head. "What's good here?"

"The apple pie!" Mila Rose shouted.

"The crepes!" Kiyone exclaimed.

"….tch. No…."

XXXXXX

Five more hours had passed: half the group had fallen asleep, and the other half just wanted to leave already. All except Yachiru, who stood in the exact same spot she had been.

"Take your time, Ken-chan."

"President, we all have work tomorrow," Nanao said. "Please?"

"He's almost done!"

"Yeah, I am." Kenpachi handed the menu over. "Just give me some tea, no milk."

"Great! Any desserts?"

"…desserts?" he snatched the menu back. "Let me think about it."

"H-How long will that take, Captain?" Tatsuki asked. She just wanted to take a long bath and go to sleep.

"Five minutes, I swear."

It was three _more_ hours, and the looks of misery and anger (except for Yachiru) were evident. But she eagerly took his exact order:

"Aw, just pick something. I'm not too big on sweets."

 ** _"SERIOUSLY?!"_** was the collective shout.

"Coming right up!" was Yachiru's.

The customer is always right, after all.

 **FIN**

 **Ending notes: Made because reviewer Ki wanted to see it. Here you go! :D**

 **I was also thinking about porting my Soi/Kukaku lemon here from Ao3, but I'm conflicted - I see plenty of M rated works "breaking the rules" all the time with no recourse, but what if mine gets the unlucky hit? Ah well. Let me guys you know if you have any other one-shot ideas in general, mainly things I don't have time or space to write about in the main story.**


End file.
